Authentic Gravitas Read online

  ADVANCE PRAISE FOR

  Authentic Gravitas

  “We need more leaders with gravitas—people who are authentic, humble, and wise. Rebecca is one of a rare bread, a business psychologist as well as a genuine scholar—her book is full of practical wisdom and academic insight on how gravitas can be nurtured.”

  —Alexander “Sandy” Pepper, professor of Management Practice, London School of Economics and Political Science

  “Authentic gravitas is not about power or position but about how to lead with character and dignity. This book will certainly challenge your thinking and hopefully your behavior, as it has mine. A must-read.”

  —Flip Flippen, chairman of The Flippen Group and New York Times–bestselling author of The Flip Side

  “Rebecca dispels the myth of that ‘mythical something’ that few people seem to possess but we all seek to have: to have weight, value, influence; to catch and keep the attention of others. Delving into what makes gravitas, and the personal beliefs and habits that get in the way of embodying it, Rebecca helps the reader realize that gravitas, which is seemingly innate, spontaneous, and effortless in those who have it, is actually the result of practice and preparation. Rebecca’s book is a guide to being who we are, in the best way possible.”

  —Julie Okada, managing director, Duke Corporate Education

  “A must-read for leaders who want to bring out the best in themselves and their people. The robust tools in this book will help you to identify practical ways to drive value and make a significant, meaningful impact.”

  —Heidi K. Gardner, author of Smart Collaboration and distinguished scholar, Harvard Law School

  “Authentic Gravitas gives leaders a practical roadmap to achieve two things: a way to be much more effective in how they communicate; and, at the same time, a way to do this that is true to who they are. Every leader I know should read this book.”

  —Elsbeth Johnson, PhD, senior lecturer, MIT Sloan School of Management

  “It is great to see a book that gets to the heart of what it means to influence well and how to do it. A must-read.”

  —James Prior, global head of leadership, Oncology, Novartis

  “Full of thought-provoking ideas and practical gems that will help you build gravitas and make you a stronger leader.”

  —Hsern-Wei Ling, executive director, Learning and Development, PwC Malaysia

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

  penguinrandomhouse.com

  Copyright © 2019 by Newton Taylor Ltd.

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

  TarcherPerigee with tp colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Newton, Rebecca Lianne, author.

  Title: Authentic gravitas : who stands out and why / Rebecca Newton, PhD.

  Description: New York : TarcherPerigee, [2019] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2018049580| ISBN 9780143132080 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780525503828 (ebook)

  Subjects: LCSH: Self-presentation. | Respect. | Dignity. | Leadership.

  Classification: LCC BF697.5.S44 N49 2019 | DDC 155.2--dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018049580

  Some names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

  Version_2

  To Saskia, Sam, and Amélie

  Thank you for reminding me every day, in your own little ways, the power of courage, curiosity,

  and most of all,

  uncontrollable laughter.

  CONTENTS

  ADVANCE PRAISE FOR AUTHENTIC GRAVITAS

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  DEDICATION

  INTRODUCTION

  ONE

  The Myths of Gravitas:

  What Authentic Gravitas Is (and What It Isn’t)

  TWO

  Connection over Charisma:

  Where Intention Meets Impact

  THREE

  The IMPACT Model:

  “Leading the Room” with Clarity and Curiosity

  FOUR

  Technique: “What Is It About Them?”

  FIVE

  Inspiring People Live Inspired:

  The Promise and Practicalities of Self-Leadership

  SIX

  Gravitas in the Dark: Taking On Your Gremlins

  SEVEN

  Adapting My Style: True to Me, Tailored to You

  EIGHT

  Influence with Integrity: Creating Professional Chemistry

  NINE

  The Joint Adventurer:

  Creative Collaboration over Silent Competion

  CONCLUSION

  The Authentic Gravitas Journey

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  NOTES

  INDEX

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  INTRODUCTION

  The view from the top-floor meeting room of the London office was spectacular on this remarkably sunny day. Red buses, black cabs, old buildings, bustling sidewalks, and an endless skyline set the scene for my early morning coaching session with a partner of an established professional services firm. After a fairly lengthy discussion about what areas were most important to his personal development, Jonathan leaned in and quietly said to me, “Do you know what I really need? I need more . . .” Seeing his struggle to find the right word, I offered, “Gravitas?” “Yes! I need more gravitas!” he exclaimed, appearing relieved at just being able to pinpoint and label this “thing” he felt was missing from his otherwise successful career.

  As an organizational psychologist who has spent twenty years coaching professionals and facilitating leadership development programs, I have had the immense privilege of hearing clients share their most intimate personal development goals. One of the most frequent requests I receive is to help them develop more gravitas. At the same time, there’s a palpable sense of disbelief that gravitas is something that is actually obtainable—at least for them. But when we explore further, we discover that it’s not standing out in the room for the sake of being noticed that they really want—it’s to be valued. What they’re after is to be respected and trusted, and to be worthy of that respect and trust; to stand out for making a positive, significant impact in their immediate sphere of influence. But they want to stand out as themselves, holding true to their own values, rather than pretending to be someone else or simply copying another’s style: “I still want to be me.”

  We’ve all been in a room with a group of people talking and throwing around their ideas and opinions, discussing and debating the best way forward. Then one person says something and it seems like everyone stops, leans in to listen, and considers what this person is saying. It’s as if their opinion carries more weight, or there’s some kind of pull toward them in the room that makes everyone take note. They’re able to pause midsentence and nobody jumps in to fill the silence. It’s not that they’re necessarily more senior or experienced, louder or more soft-spoken, more motivating or more somber, more serious or more upbeat than anyone else. Yet their words, their opinions, their ideas carry weight. They have an intangible quality: There’s just something about them.

  Throughout this book, you wil
l meet some truly inspiring leaders and professionals who built authentic gravitas, and you will learn how they did it. We’ll look at what gravitas is, what it isn’t, and debunk the gravitas myths to discover the surprising truth about who stands out and why. This book is for professionals who want to increase their own gravitas, and for leaders looking to help others around them to grow their gravitas. It matters to me personally because through leadership and professional development programs, and particularly in coaching, I’ve discovered time and time again that it really matters to my clients. It’s often a genuine concern, not necessarily overwhelming, but a consistent niggle—one that they’re not always comfortable talking about openly, but that they feel holds them back from having the impact they desire. And they’re not sure what to do about it. It can be frustrating, exhausting, even debilitating to experience the quiet burden of feeling that you lack gravitas. This book is designed to empower you (and those you lead) with the knowledge that you can develop gravitas, and to equip you with practical tried-and-true tools to do so. My goal is to break down something that is seemingly intangible into a quality you can develop, while at the same time staying true to you.

  Often people feel they have gravitas in their regular working life, the day in, day out interactions with colleagues, clients, and associates they know well, but when giving a speech or presentation, they seem to lose all confidence. It can be extremely disheartening, knowing that in “real life” you’re better than how you show up in meetings and presentations. For others, they feel they have gravitas in those big moments, but they may lose it in some of their day-to-day challenges with colleagues. Either way, it’s annoying to think, If only I could just be myself and not lose my cool in those critical moments. My intention in this book is to help you do just that—to be more of yourself, and as such, to have more authentic gravitas, whether in informal one-on-one conversations with a colleague or in your most formal meetings and presentations. It is possible to intentionally build skills to ensure your best “real self” is coming across—even, or especially, in your most pressure-filled moments.

  The insights, ideas, and techniques offered in this book are based on research I conducted with professional development experts and leaders across many industries, and the experiences of thousands of dedicated professionals I’ve had the incredible opportunity to coach, train, and advise over the past two decades. Among the many stories that fill these pages, we hear from a British consultant, Mehira, on how she tackled the “Trap of Expertise”; Jackson, a disheartened American COO who felt he’d “lost his swagger” during a particularly challenging point in his career—and how he got it back; and a Spanish professional, Juan, who made some small daily changes to increase his authentic gravitas in the midst of a demanding schedule. In this book, you’ll find wisdom and ideas gleaned from hundreds of dedicated researchers, particularly in the fields of psychology and organizational behavior. These include findings on psychological stress from a study at a Japanese brewery, American researchers’ insights into the extraordinary career success of players in the National Baseball Hall of Fame, a comparison of Chinese and Canadian negotiating techniques, Israeli researchers’ study of elite soccer goalkeepers’ actions in penalty kicks, an analysis of two thousand firms in Malaysia on which influencing techniques are used by transformational managers, and British researchers’ analysis of the relationship between emotions and complex decision-making in the brain.

  Here’s what the research shows: people with gravitas “lead the room,” regardless of their place in the hierarchy; they respect authority but don’t wait for a title change to take ownership and make a positive difference. They are able to close the inevitable gap between their intention and their impact. These commitments and behaviors are not reserved for a precious few; authentic gravitas is not restricted to those of a certain age, gender, personality, or any other personal characteristic. In this book, we’ll see how even wisdom is something that can be learned (and we’ll learn how to do it). We’ll look at how to build trust, influence, and authentic gravitas with integrity, through a disciplined commitment to self-leadership, as there is a proven relationship between how we lead ourselves and our ability to lead others. Of course, this work is not always easy, so we’ll explore how to manage nerves and negative self-talk, and how to sustain authentic gravitas even when things are hard and amid the reality of a challenging schedule. We’ll conclude by discussing the power of genuine collaboration, because having gravitas is not about being an invincible superhero, but rather a “joint adventurer.” This requires vulnerability, humility, and risk-taking. We can’t get caught up in zero-sum-game thinking—“I can only have more gravitas if you have less.” And we’re certainly not talking about self-important, self-serving dominance or posturing, or simply being the loudest person in the room. Authentic gravitas means you are respected and trusted, your words carry weight, your ideas are taken seriously, and your contributions are valued, but it also requires you to bring out these qualities in others. You are not only inspiring but inspire greatness in others. As you do this, people gravitate toward you.

  Ultimately, for the many people I’ve had the privilege of partnering with on their journey to building gravitas, the most important and empowering moment is not when they learn a new technique or introduce new behaviors (although as we’ll see throughout the book, these small changes can make a big difference). It is when they make the necessary initial shift in their mind-set to recognize that in order to have gravitas they don’t need to feel confident, but they do need to choose courage. We tend to be critical of ourselves when we don’t feel confident or qualified, which perpetuates a negative cycle. But we should regularly be nervous. Stepping out of our comfort zone and stretching ourselves with opportunities that make us somewhat uncomfortable is a requirement for growth. Gravitas is reserved for those who continue to challenge themselves and increase their skill, regardless of whether it feels good in the process. Do not wait to feel confident. Choose to step out and be courageous, and you’ll likely find that your confidence grows along the way. Courage precedes confidence.

  Many clients whisper when sharing that they want more gravitas, as if unsure whether it’s something they should actually want. But I think there is greatness in committing to the courage and discipline required to grow in this skill. I am continually inspired by my clients’ determination to have a positive impact and add significant value as they navigate their unique professional journey. My wish is that this book will inspire and equip you on yours.

  ONE

  THE MYTHS OF GRAVITAS

  What Authentic Gravitas Is (and What It Isn’t)

  Something happened to me at forty-five that had a shattering effect on my life . . . I suddenly realized one day that the conductor doesn’t make a sound. He depends for his power on his ability to make other people powerful. And when I realized it, it had an overwhelming effect . . . I realized my job was to awaken possibility in other people.

  —Benjamin Zander, conductor and musical director of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra and the Boston Philharmonic Youth Orchestra

  Five years ago, a colleague and I were running a leadership development program with a global telecommunications company. Over twenty years, I’ve had the privilege of hearing thousands of leaders and professionals share their personal goals and challenges. This day stands out to me. At the start, we asked each of the thirty-two participants to briefly share their leadership goals and challenges. Each in turn shared their thoughts on the reality, aspirations, and complexity of leadership in today’s organizational life. One gentleman from Norway, perhaps a little older than the average participant, shared, “My name is Anders. I’m from Oslo. I’ve been in this business for eight years and have been in the industry for more than thirty. I’m just a few years away from retirement and I have only one goal for the next few days in this program. I’m only thinking about one thing. I want to leave a good footprint on the lives of those who
I work with. That’s it. I want to map out exactly what that looks like and how to do it well.” I looked around and saw thirty-one smiles around the room. It was not purely his statement that grabbed me; it was the impact it had on everyone around him. Anders had everyone’s attention. In that moment, he was the person (we all know them and often wonder, What is it about them?) who made us all pause, the one who stood out from the crowd, the one who influenced the way everyone around him thought. Our unspoken, collective challenge was, When was the last time I thought like that? I want to.

  THE MYTHS OF GRAVITAS

  “She has gravitas.” “He has gravitas.” We use the word gravitas as a label for people who are listened to, taken seriously, considered important regardless of their hierarchical position: their opinion matters, their ideas have weight. There are three myths about gravitas, psychological barriers we can face, that we need to debunk in order to build authentic gravitas.

  First, we have the Myth of the Gravitas Gift. This is our incorrect instinct that we either have gravitas or we don’t; that we are born with it or not; that it is reserved for a few personality types, people of a certain disposition, or even a physical type. Or perhaps it’s something reserved for people with decades of experience and gray hair. But for most people, their inner gremlin whispers, It’s not me; I’m not like that. It’s a quiet, immensely personal statement, and we regard it as fact. But not only is it untrue, the myth is dangerously self-defeating. It means that while we might try to be better in meetings, clearer in presentations, and have more impact with our boss, clients, and peers, ultimately deep down many of us believe we just are not one of “those” people with the gift of gravitas. If we are not convinced gravitas is something that can be developed, that we personally could develop, then we won’t engage in the behaviors and disciplines required to develop the skills. After all, what’s the point in trying to upskill in something we ultimately can’t control?